"But pal, you don't find rainbows at the bottom of a glass, everything happens to me" Frank Sinatra

Two nights ago I sat here in Pittsburgh waiting for Ryan to get off work.  I had a few drinks and then went to pick him up downtown.  The streets were maddening because Pittsburgh was again having a baseball game and they close off the sixth street bridge.

I wanted to go out that night.  It just so happens Ryan was invited to go out to a bar called Smallville in the strip.  So we both threw on some nice duds and split.  When we got there, they had a band of older men jamming on guitars on stage.  It was his co workers last day and all the people from that Starbucks were there.  The people were interesting and the music wasn't that bad.  That's when a girl came over to me obviously drunk.  It was the wife of one of his co workers.  This particular women's husband was childish.  At one point he pulled out a yo-yo when the gang replied, "Not in public".  She came over to me and put her hand on my leg and was talking to me about the band.  She noticed that I was listening attentively to the band.  She explained that it was her father's band and they were having an open jam session with anyone who was willing to go on stage.  We talked about everything from drumming, hiking, cemeteries, old buildings, history.  She had thick black glasses and black hair.  She was wearing a long dress and had that whole librarian look to her.  The conversation was very stimulating and I got a vibe that maybe she was flirting, or perhaps I was just drunk. 

Leaving that night, after a fifty-dollar bar tab Ryan and myself went out to the car, myself stumbling the whole way.  In the car I started a huge fight because Ryan wasn't jealous I was flirting.  Actually I don't know what I was feeling.  It's possible I was upset because I was flirting and found her interesting, not knowing at the time that the guy she was with was her husband.  So maybe I was just feeling guilty and I took it out, drunkenly, on Ryan. 

In front of the house, confused by my behavior, he yelled at me.  I had never heard him yell before in the whole seven months we have been together.  I started to cry and my feeling were badly hurt.  I had no idea why I was acting this way and now on top of it, he's yelling at me.  So we sat in the car and I cried.  My memory is hazy after that point.  I know I woke up the next day in bed feeling awful.  We both apologized and said we wouldn't talk about it.  Last night I apologized and told him why I thought I was acting that way.

They were nice people though and I would like to hang out with her again.  We had so many things in common it was uncanny.  I just have get myself together.  I'm so very messed up on the inside.  My mental state is in a jumble.  My nights are spent drinking.  Maybe I'm just losing my mind.  Regardless I need to get some friends and I need to stop this foolish drunken behavior.

Late last night we were drinking and sitting on the fire escape.  We were playing a mix of songs from the 1950's and Madonna.  Randy came home from work and was sitting outside with us.  He said he didn't care for 1950's music which is understandable.  Lately though is remarks are really irking me.  I'm going to be living with him soon, if all works out.  It's just he's a very opinionated person.  What really upset me was when I got out of my seat to get Ryan a drink and I accidentally knocked over a potted plant that was in the way.  It was in an awkward place to begin with.  Of course Randy had to make a smart remark and say, "That's alright we just can't have anything nice".  Who the hell made him king of England!  The plant was in an odd place and it fell a mere two feet.  I couldn't believe it when he said that and for the first time since I met him, I got smart back.  He said he was only joking, but I'm still fuming about it.  Making it sound like I'm some terror who is going to upset his house.  Nearly everything here is Ryan's.  For some reason Randy got the large bedroom, I don't know why that was.  Before this he lived at the YWCA and before that he stayed in a hotel.  He makes comments constantly poking fun at small town people, but he himself is from a small town.  Sometimes he thinks he's just flat out better than everyone and he's not.  I WILL NOT move if this behavior keeps up!  I don't need someone putting me down, especially someone no greater than me.  To bloody hell with that, I've been through enough stubborn obstacles in my life that I had to overcome.  I will not let this continue.

The rest of the night we ordered a pizza which I ate like a swine.  I'm disappointed with myself because I didn't walk yesterday, the hang over lingered all day.  As of today I haven't gone on my eight mile hike yet.  I hate being fat and I can just feel myself getting bigger.