writtenbyheart
"But pal, you don't find rainbows at the bottom of a glass, everything happens to me" Frank Sinatra
Where do you want this killing done?
If it wasn't for the booze and smoking so much tea, I don't think I could take this life.
I'm behind on my car payments to my mother. I also used her checking account so that I could survive out here. I haven't spoken to her in a month or two. She keeps calling me, saying horrible things to me. Telling me that she will call the police and report the car, which belongs to her, as stolen. She's pissed and I can't blame her.
The last I called I was drunk. In fact I believe the last three calls were me drunk. She's so intimidating and the only person on Earth that can make me cry. She'll say one hurtful word to me and I'll be in tears. Depending on her mood she might sit down next to me and rub my back. As she does this her opinion of me doesn't change and she continues to insult me. It's my fault, I'll admit it. I'm such a screw up and I just drag people down. I am human quicksand.
So nightmares of my mother keep me tossing every night. She is seventy and smokes three packs of Marlboros a day. I'm so afraid that she might pass on and I won't be there. My last memory of her will be fighting about money and a bloody car.
As I said before I am human quicksand. I am doing the same thing to Ryan. I haven't worked in months, not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't find work. People just do not like me. Maybe they can see all the nasty things I have done in my faded gray eyes. So it's hard to work with people who want to savagely tear you apart.
I did find work at a medical company. It's similar to my last job except it's in a sterile clean room. You have to wear a mask, a hairnet, earphones, safety goggles, rubber gloves, a smock, and shoe covers. They don't allow headphones either. So you sit there doing the same movements everyday looking at the wall.
I've been reading a great deal of Bukowski lately and I wonder what he would do working someplace like that.
The only reason I have stayed this long is because there is a beautiful and peaceful creek behind the building. There are trails and little private places to think. You don't have places like that here in the city of Pittsburgh. You can't go anyplace in this city without at least one other person being there. God I miss the country so badly.
Also my hormones have been all out of whack. I've been extremely horny lately and masturbating every single day. In the past year I haven't really had much sex drive. I'm not sure why not. I keep thinking of certain people from my past.
So all this combined with about another ten tons of drama is making my life hell.
At least we got the new apartment. On the other hand someone smashed out my car window the first night here.
I'm behind on my car payments to my mother. I also used her checking account so that I could survive out here. I haven't spoken to her in a month or two. She keeps calling me, saying horrible things to me. Telling me that she will call the police and report the car, which belongs to her, as stolen. She's pissed and I can't blame her.
The last I called I was drunk. In fact I believe the last three calls were me drunk. She's so intimidating and the only person on Earth that can make me cry. She'll say one hurtful word to me and I'll be in tears. Depending on her mood she might sit down next to me and rub my back. As she does this her opinion of me doesn't change and she continues to insult me. It's my fault, I'll admit it. I'm such a screw up and I just drag people down. I am human quicksand.
So nightmares of my mother keep me tossing every night. She is seventy and smokes three packs of Marlboros a day. I'm so afraid that she might pass on and I won't be there. My last memory of her will be fighting about money and a bloody car.
As I said before I am human quicksand. I am doing the same thing to Ryan. I haven't worked in months, not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't find work. People just do not like me. Maybe they can see all the nasty things I have done in my faded gray eyes. So it's hard to work with people who want to savagely tear you apart.
I did find work at a medical company. It's similar to my last job except it's in a sterile clean room. You have to wear a mask, a hairnet, earphones, safety goggles, rubber gloves, a smock, and shoe covers. They don't allow headphones either. So you sit there doing the same movements everyday looking at the wall.
I've been reading a great deal of Bukowski lately and I wonder what he would do working someplace like that.
The only reason I have stayed this long is because there is a beautiful and peaceful creek behind the building. There are trails and little private places to think. You don't have places like that here in the city of Pittsburgh. You can't go anyplace in this city without at least one other person being there. God I miss the country so badly.
Also my hormones have been all out of whack. I've been extremely horny lately and masturbating every single day. In the past year I haven't really had much sex drive. I'm not sure why not. I keep thinking of certain people from my past.
So all this combined with about another ten tons of drama is making my life hell.
At least we got the new apartment. On the other hand someone smashed out my car window the first night here.
No not another box of dogs!s - reply
bobYou walk into the room
With your pencil in your hand
You see somebody naked
And you say, "Who is that man?"
You try so hard
But you don't understand
Just what you'll say
When you get home
Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?
You raise up your head
And you ask, "Is this where it is?"
And somebody points to you and says
"It's his"
And you say, "What's mine?"
And somebody else says, "Where what is?"
And you say, "Oh my God
Am I here all alone?"
Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?
You hand in your ticket
And you go watch the geek
Who immediately walks up to you
When he hears you speak
And says, "How does it feel
To be such a freak?"
And you say, "Impossible"
As he hands you a bone
Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?
You have many contacts
Among the lumberjacks
To get you facts
When someone attacks your imagination
But nobody has any respect
Anyway they already expect you
To just give a check
To tax-deductible charity organizations
You've been with the professors
And they've all liked your looks
With great lawyers you have
Discussed lepers and crooks
You've been through all of
F. Scott Fitzgerald's books
You're very well read
It's well known
Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?
Well, the sword swallower, he comes up to you
And then he kneels
He crosses himself
And then he clicks his high heels
And without further notice
He asks you how it feels
And he says, "Here is your throat back
Thanks for the loan"
Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?
Now you see this one-eyed midget
Shouting the word "NOW"
And you say, "For what reason?"
And he says, "How?"
And you say, "What does this mean?"
And he screams back, "You're a cow
Give me some milk
Or else go home"
Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?
Well, you walk into the room
Like a camel and then you frown
You put your eyes in your pocket
And your nose on the ground
There ought to be a law
Against you comin' around
You should be made
To wear earphones
Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?
Bob Dylan 'Ballad of a thin man'
Route 61 revisited. One of the greatest albums ever.
With your pencil in your hand
You see somebody naked
And you say, "Who is that man?"
You try so hard
But you don't understand
Just what you'll say
When you get home
Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?
You raise up your head
And you ask, "Is this where it is?"
And somebody points to you and says
"It's his"
And you say, "What's mine?"
And somebody else says, "Where what is?"
And you say, "Oh my God
Am I here all alone?"
Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?
You hand in your ticket
And you go watch the geek
Who immediately walks up to you
When he hears you speak
And says, "How does it feel
To be such a freak?"
And you say, "Impossible"
As he hands you a bone
Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?
You have many contacts
Among the lumberjacks
To get you facts
When someone attacks your imagination
But nobody has any respect
Anyway they already expect you
To just give a check
To tax-deductible charity organizations
You've been with the professors
And they've all liked your looks
With great lawyers you have
Discussed lepers and crooks
You've been through all of
F. Scott Fitzgerald's books
You're very well read
It's well known
Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?
Well, the sword swallower, he comes up to you
And then he kneels
He crosses himself
And then he clicks his high heels
And without further notice
He asks you how it feels
And he says, "Here is your throat back
Thanks for the loan"
Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?
Now you see this one-eyed midget
Shouting the word "NOW"
And you say, "For what reason?"
And he says, "How?"
And you say, "What does this mean?"
And he screams back, "You're a cow
Give me some milk
Or else go home"
Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?
Well, you walk into the room
Like a camel and then you frown
You put your eyes in your pocket
And your nose on the ground
There ought to be a law
Against you comin' around
You should be made
To wear earphones
Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?
Bob Dylan 'Ballad of a thin man'
Route 61 revisited. One of the greatest albums ever.
No not another box of dogs!s - reply
I remember when I lost my mind There was something so pleasant about that place
Yesterday I made a phone call to the temp agency telling them I couldn't come into work. I said it was because the terrible wind storm we had the other night blew several trees over at my mother's house. I exaggerated her age by ten some years and said one of the trees fell on the porch. I said the house was in the country and there are some dead trees around the house that need removed.
So I called off with my big lie. I never seem to change. Sometimes I feel like I'm not in control of myself. It's as if this part of me falls asleep or blacks out and this evil child takes over. I know perfectly bloody well that I HAVE to work to pay the rent. There is NO way I can be without a job. Now I'm taking a chance on this new job Monday and I have no idea if I like it or not. Other than feeling tired and overworked some days, just plain burned out, I don't hate the job I currently have.
I just feel like Bukowski, in the sense that these are just jobs that I have to do for the time being. I get bored, I don't want to be working in a warehouse my entire life. I don't want this as my life.
And as for right this moment. Well today I am supposed to be there at 10:30 a.m. It is now that time and I'm sitting here smoking tea and trying to make excuses for my behavior. Perhaps I feel that if I write all this down it will make sense to me.
So now I am risking it all on Monday for this new job in another hick factory. A place were shifty eyes will be directed at me and inspecting me. People making assumptions about the way I talk and walk. Loud husky male voices asking me with improper English if I watched the Supa' bowl on 'dis Sunday.
On the other hand, think positive thoughts boy, this job pays more money. It's also closer to my mom's and in an area, I'll be it a farther drive from my Pittsburgh apartment, that I'm familiar with.
Who knows....
The only good news is that for some reason this years tax refund is a fair amount. So I'm buying a new computer and maybe a new digital camcorder. So maybe that will boost my mood and enthusiasm.....
or more likely I will blow all this money instead of paying back my mother and overdue bills....
yeah that sounds like Pie-eyed James alright.
When will he ever learn?
So I called off with my big lie. I never seem to change. Sometimes I feel like I'm not in control of myself. It's as if this part of me falls asleep or blacks out and this evil child takes over. I know perfectly bloody well that I HAVE to work to pay the rent. There is NO way I can be without a job. Now I'm taking a chance on this new job Monday and I have no idea if I like it or not. Other than feeling tired and overworked some days, just plain burned out, I don't hate the job I currently have.
I just feel like Bukowski, in the sense that these are just jobs that I have to do for the time being. I get bored, I don't want to be working in a warehouse my entire life. I don't want this as my life.
And as for right this moment. Well today I am supposed to be there at 10:30 a.m. It is now that time and I'm sitting here smoking tea and trying to make excuses for my behavior. Perhaps I feel that if I write all this down it will make sense to me.
So now I am risking it all on Monday for this new job in another hick factory. A place were shifty eyes will be directed at me and inspecting me. People making assumptions about the way I talk and walk. Loud husky male voices asking me with improper English if I watched the Supa' bowl on 'dis Sunday.
On the other hand, think positive thoughts boy, this job pays more money. It's also closer to my mom's and in an area, I'll be it a farther drive from my Pittsburgh apartment, that I'm familiar with.
Who knows....
The only good news is that for some reason this years tax refund is a fair amount. So I'm buying a new computer and maybe a new digital camcorder. So maybe that will boost my mood and enthusiasm.....
or more likely I will blow all this money instead of paying back my mother and overdue bills....
yeah that sounds like Pie-eyed James alright.
When will he ever learn?
I can't ever understand why my life has been cursed, poisoned and condemned
I feel like I'm on a roller coaster or part of some big sick game. Each day I have a different feeling about life. Three weeks ago I was alright with this new job. Now I just feel burned out. I am also supposed to start a better paying job on Monday, but not sure yet if I want to. This current job requires so much strength that I come home feeling drained. I didn't mind it at all when I first started, I like the exercise. Now it's just getting a little boring. I go in and my boss has me doing something more and more crazy, this is all as of late, I started as a packer. I'd rather just go inside and start packing boxes and moving things. It's a vacuum warehouse and things get very bloody hectic during the day. I'd say that I probably lift at least one hundred, at least one hundred vacuums of different sizes and shapes! I don't know if I like it or not.
So what if I do quit. Today I took the day off. I said I would be in later but I won't, I'm tired and I want to sit here along smoking tea. I feel sorry because the owner is a very nice man. He gives me a lot of responsibility, more than any of the other temps. I do everyone else's job and my own. I am only considering this other job because it's a dollar or more an hour and I think they have incentives. It's a farther drive from Pittsburgh though. The vacuum warehouse is no more than three miles away. So which do I chose? Should I quit this job and take the other. Oh why did I call off today. What's wrong with me?
It's been so frigid lately and I haven't gone hiking at all. I always feel like a hog when I don't hike everyday. It clears my mind I guess. I like to keep moving.
Ryan gave me the speech I always hear right before a relationship goes sour and suddenly it's the same old waltz. Soon we'll be separated and it saddens me, but it's not the first. I can see it coming this time. Chances are that when this lease is up we'll split. I love him dearly and he's been so great to me. I can see in his eyes that he isn't happy. He gave me the speech about me being manipulative and he's tired of helping me with money. He also said we don't have sex as often, which is true.
I don't have a sexual appetite like he does. I'm in this because I love him and I cry thinking about not sharing a bed with him. Male or female I have my sexual likes and dislikes. I don't want either sitting on my face. I wouldn't feel right kindly about sitting on theirs either. I feel like an alien most times.
I wish I had some friends right now that I could depend on.
I also feel people at work are starting to talk about me behind my back. At first I wasn't bothered by it because I didn't notice it being this severe. Now I swear the others are looking at me with heated unkind eyes. Maybe they are jealous because I am being taught all this things and they are not. I don't know. Perhaps it's my paranoia. Maybe it's because I hadn't started smoking until this week since I got the job.
I have no idea who I am or what I am doing. All I know is I need a day off to rest my head, Is that a bad thing? Why do I feel so bad? Should I switch jobs.
.... going crazy and I think you know why
but you can't speak
Just look me in the eye
So what if I do quit. Today I took the day off. I said I would be in later but I won't, I'm tired and I want to sit here along smoking tea. I feel sorry because the owner is a very nice man. He gives me a lot of responsibility, more than any of the other temps. I do everyone else's job and my own. I am only considering this other job because it's a dollar or more an hour and I think they have incentives. It's a farther drive from Pittsburgh though. The vacuum warehouse is no more than three miles away. So which do I chose? Should I quit this job and take the other. Oh why did I call off today. What's wrong with me?
It's been so frigid lately and I haven't gone hiking at all. I always feel like a hog when I don't hike everyday. It clears my mind I guess. I like to keep moving.
Ryan gave me the speech I always hear right before a relationship goes sour and suddenly it's the same old waltz. Soon we'll be separated and it saddens me, but it's not the first. I can see it coming this time. Chances are that when this lease is up we'll split. I love him dearly and he's been so great to me. I can see in his eyes that he isn't happy. He gave me the speech about me being manipulative and he's tired of helping me with money. He also said we don't have sex as often, which is true.
I don't have a sexual appetite like he does. I'm in this because I love him and I cry thinking about not sharing a bed with him. Male or female I have my sexual likes and dislikes. I don't want either sitting on my face. I wouldn't feel right kindly about sitting on theirs either. I feel like an alien most times.
I wish I had some friends right now that I could depend on.
I also feel people at work are starting to talk about me behind my back. At first I wasn't bothered by it because I didn't notice it being this severe. Now I swear the others are looking at me with heated unkind eyes. Maybe they are jealous because I am being taught all this things and they are not. I don't know. Perhaps it's my paranoia. Maybe it's because I hadn't started smoking until this week since I got the job.
I have no idea who I am or what I am doing. All I know is I need a day off to rest my head, Is that a bad thing? Why do I feel so bad? Should I switch jobs.
.... going crazy and I think you know why
but you can't speak
Just look me in the eye
Profile
writtenbyheart @ MindSay
Leave a comment
View My Full Profile View My Wiki Page
Leave a comment
AIM: MorrisseyLikesMe
View My Full Profile View My Wiki Page
RSS Feed 
Calendar
Recent Visitors
Bookmarks
Friends
Wendy Goes To Uncle Ned's Saloon Chapter Two - Public Post Click Here To Escape In Case Of...
... THE LARGEST COCK I’VE EVER HAD INSIDE OF ME Ch 9 Re-Posted - Public Post Click Here To Escape
... To Busy To Post - Public Post Click Here To Escape In Case Of Teacher, Kids,...
... Crazy 40
I can't describe it and I can't hide it. - I found who I am supposed to love to pieces: Everyone.
... 23/40 replies (Reply Now)